I Don’t Have an Anger Problem

January 2 • By John Craft

Sometimes people declare, “I don’t have an anger problem.  I keep my anger under control…almost all the time.”  Or, “I get angry sometimes.  Just deal with it; it’s the way I am.”

As is often the case, there is a bit of truth being told in both of these statements—and each statement reveals some misconceptions about anger.

“Controlling” anger is what most of us have been taught to do.  Keep it under wraps; don’t express it.  Implied is the message: 

“Anger is bad, so don’t let the monster out.”  Most “Anger Management Programs” reinforce that anger is bad by focusing on the harm that unhealthy anger behaviors cause.  The “managing” techniques offered are little more than clever attempts at “control”.  Discovering the complicated life experiences and other emotions creating the origins of the anger is rarely attempted—and the potential deeper healing is missed.  Even rarer are any efforts to channel or transform the energy of anger towards identifying and meeting significant needs and wants.

And because efforts to “control” our anger so often fail, many adopt the second approach—that of expecting others to “just deal with” the relationship damaging behaviors we have been unsuccessful in changing.  In transferring to others the responsibility of our behaviors, we essentially “give up”, and our unhealthy anger behaviors become even more entrenched. 

Changing anger behaviors is possible—and the motivation to make those changes becomes much more powerful and accessible when we learn that anger is our ally.  Anger provides ways to identify what important needs and wants are being threatened, or are unmet.  The strength of our anger alerts us to an imbalance in our inner world, and the strong emotions we are feeling can be transformed into working towards achieving those needs and wants.

Once we learn to translate the messages of our conflicts or frustrations, we will still experience anger—but it is no longer a “problem”.  Anger becomes our ally.  We do, indeed, begin to see that anger brings gifts.